#13 Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

I think without twitter and without you accidentally finding me there, we wouldn't be where we are now. I'm really thankful for being able to get to know you. Through the four months of dating, I get to learn about you and yes there are obviously more to know of. Before this I was absolutely afraid to fall in love again because I've been hurt terribly and couldn't make myself trust guys so easily anymore. But then there was you, you came into my life by surprise and little did I know, I was falling for you slowly day by day. Funny how I didn't see this coming. We started as strangers, you were just one of my followers on twitter and then I started noticing you and gave a follow back. Talked through direct message, then to ask.fm, facebook message, wechat and then finally to whatsapp. Wow, that was a mouthful! I could remember telling you that 'you were literally everywhere' trying to get to communicate with me the best that you could. In my opinion, I really think that's the cutest thing anyone has done for me.

So after four months, we're finally officially together :-) I swear I couldn't be more happier that I couldn't even find the words to express how happy I was feeling. All I could do at that point of time when you asked me, was just to smile. I just couldn't stop smiling! Being up there on the rooftop, just you and me, was perfect. I wouldn't trade anything for that. So this is a new beginning for us, in shaa Allah we'll last for as long as we could. After all these things I've done, I think I love you better now. It's only the beginning and I'm already so excited to go through every single ups and downs with you, through it all, we'll conquer these together. Through the good and the bad, no matter how bad things are or going to be, let's promise to never let each other go. We compromise and give and take, fix things together. I love you so much only God knows how much my love for you is.

Marry someone who lets you have a bite of their brownie, even when you said you weren't hungry. Marry someone who laughs at the same things you do. Marry someone who kisses your nose on a cold day. Marry someone who you can watch Disney movies with. Marry someone who is proud of you whether you earn $5 a week or $5,000 a week. Marry someone who you can tell everything to. Marry someone who isn't afraid or embarrassed to hold your hand in public. Marry someone who lets you take over when decorating a cake. Marry someone who you can spend the day in Ikea with without feeling stressed. Marry someone who wraps you up inside their coat in the winter. Marry someone who accepts your fears and phobias. Marry someone who gives you butterflies every time you hear their key in the door. Marry someone who you don’t always have to shave your legs for. Marry someone who accepts you all day every day, even when you don’t look or feel your best. Marry someone who puts three sugars in your tea, despite telling them “just the two”. Marry someone who doesn't judge you when you eat your body weight in cookies. Marry someone who doesn't make you want to check your phone, because you know they will reply. Marry someone who waits with you to get on the train. Marry someone who understands that you need to be alone sometimes. Marry someone who gets on well with your parents and isn't uptight about family events. Marry someone who calms you down when you get mad about stupid stuff, and never tells you it’s “only stupid stuff”. Marry someone who makes you want to be a better person. Marry someone who makes you laugh. Marry someone who you love. Marry your soul mate, your lover, your best friend.

#12 I was born with an enormous need for affection and a terrible need to give it

It just feels so good to be writing again. I only write when I've gone through much thinking, those train of thoughts that I've to overcome every night. Not all those thoughts are negative neither are all of them that positive, they definitely have a balance weight between them. Everyday I make decisions, big or small, it doesn't matter because at the end of the day they are still decisions that have to be made or break. Not everything will always go in our way because we don't really control life ourselves, we only can control 20% of what we want/can do, the remaining 80% is out of our reach. You know sometimes some things we try our best to avoid it but somehow we just can't. I'm not proud of some of the decisions I make but I don't regret it. Making a decision, it's like a coin toss.

It's like you already know what you want before the coin even lands. It sucks at times that some of the decisions I make, I'm not happy with it but I know it's for the best. I'm the only person that will know what's best for myself, besides my family, but it's our own individual self that understands us alone the most. As I grow older, decisions get harder and harder, and they somehow seem to be important. It's like for every decision you make, you're controlling where your life is heading. A different decision make can lead you into a different path.

I'm not afraid of commitment but I'm afraid of how love will change me entirely. I'm way over my past but sometimes it just haunts me and I don't want history to repeat. I know the past is there for a reason, for me to learn something from it. It's not easy for me to fall in love with someone but once I start falling for them, I'll go all the way without looking back. Yes, you can say I'm scared. I'm utterly scared that if I were to give my all to someone, they'll end up breaking my heart. I've learned to be cautious about falling in love and I don't open up to people that easily, I don't want people to manipulate my mind like how they used to back then. I really don't wish for people to take advantage of my kindness, the things I'm willing to do for them, and for whatever sacrifices I'm willing to do just for them. I don't even think I'll be able to get back on my feet for love...... yet :-(

#11 We accept the love we think we deserve

I honestly feel really blessed and contented with my life right now, even though I've been facing a lot of setbacks lately and constantly trying to overcome these situations day by day. Every single day we wake up, barely did we even thank God for allowing us to live another day. Every brand new day shouldn't be wasted being trapped in the past. I mean I really think that if we were to always be in the past and not moving forward, I never can put a time of when we will ever be able to move on and look past them. Living in the past wouldn't make sense any more because then every new day would spoil it's whole meaning already. So what I'm trying to imply is, I've been attempting to forget about my past and learn to live my life as if it's my last day here on earth. I'm trying my best to surround myself with full of positivity, be it people or the environment. I would never want to be stuck in the past any more. The past where I've been constantly depressed and always feeling sorry for myself, I don't wish to have self-pity on myself any more, I know I could be a stronger and wiser individual. The past is there for a reason, for me to learn from them and lead my life better, knowing better of the rights and wrongs.

Without the help of my family and close friends and especially Allah, I know I wouldn't be able to go through that specific moment in my life where everything seems to be crumbling down on me literally, that I came to a point where I felt like it doesn't make any sense any more for me to be alive, that my presence around doesn't have an impact on anyone, that if I were to disappear, none would even notice my disappearance. Have you ever felt that way?

I feel so much better. I feel happier :-) Alhamdulillah. To those who have been there for me through my downfall, I couldn't thank you enough. May god bless you, really.