#12 I was born with an enormous need for affection and a terrible need to give it

It just feels so good to be writing again. I only write when I've gone through much thinking, those train of thoughts that I've to overcome every night. Not all those thoughts are negative neither are all of them that positive, they definitely have a balance weight between them. Everyday I make decisions, big or small, it doesn't matter because at the end of the day they are still decisions that have to be made or break. Not everything will always go in our way because we don't really control life ourselves, we only can control 20% of what we want/can do, the remaining 80% is out of our reach. You know sometimes some things we try our best to avoid it but somehow we just can't. I'm not proud of some of the decisions I make but I don't regret it. Making a decision, it's like a coin toss.

It's like you already know what you want before the coin even lands. It sucks at times that some of the decisions I make, I'm not happy with it but I know it's for the best. I'm the only person that will know what's best for myself, besides my family, but it's our own individual self that understands us alone the most. As I grow older, decisions get harder and harder, and they somehow seem to be important. It's like for every decision you make, you're controlling where your life is heading. A different decision make can lead you into a different path.

I'm not afraid of commitment but I'm afraid of how love will change me entirely. I'm way over my past but sometimes it just haunts me and I don't want history to repeat. I know the past is there for a reason, for me to learn something from it. It's not easy for me to fall in love with someone but once I start falling for them, I'll go all the way without looking back. Yes, you can say I'm scared. I'm utterly scared that if I were to give my all to someone, they'll end up breaking my heart. I've learned to be cautious about falling in love and I don't open up to people that easily, I don't want people to manipulate my mind like how they used to back then. I really don't wish for people to take advantage of my kindness, the things I'm willing to do for them, and for whatever sacrifices I'm willing to do just for them. I don't even think I'll be able to get back on my feet for love...... yet :-(